Damon's Dirty Christmas Card
by DorkyCorky23
Summary: Never allow Damon to make his own Christmas card. The outcome is never good.


"So whats your Christmas card going to say this year?" Caroline asked Elena asked she helped pick out her dress for the Christmas party at the Grill. "I think the green looks good on you." "Your only saying that because you're wearing a red one." Elena said. "Fine but if you wear the red dress we're going as Santa helpers! You know that means we'll be female Santa's." "We can go buy the dresses tomorrow."

Caroline just nodded then reminded Elena she didn't say what was going to be on her Christmas card. "Nothing out of the normal Caroline, just the we wish you a merry Christmas and Happy New Year from the Gilbert family. Then a picture of Santa, and Rudolph probably." "Your right that is normal, my mom and I got one of those recordable ones this year and sang We Wish You a Merry Christmas, from the Forbes family. I'll bring yours over tomorrow so you can see it."

"So Damon have you gotten our Christmas card yet?" "Yeah I went to the store and saw all those cheesy one and popular cheesy ones so I decide to come home and write how exactly I feel about this damn holiday." "This can't be good, but read it." Stefan said afraid to hear what his brother had come up with as a Christmas card.

Damon cleared his throat, then gave Stefan a smirk.

"Money's Short

Times are hard

Here's your fucking

Christmas Card

T'was the night before Christmas

And all through the house

Everybody felt shitty

Even the mouse

Mom at the Whorehouse

And dad smoking grass

I'd just settled down

For a nice piece of ass

When out on the lawn

I heard such a clatter

I sprung from my piece

To see what was a matter

When out on the lawn

I saw a big DICK

I knew in a moment

It must be SAINT NICK

He came dow the chimney

Like s bat out of HELL

I knew in a moment

The FUCKER had fell

He filled all the stockings

With pretzels and beer

And a big rubber DICK

For my brother the QUEER

He rose up the chimney

With a thunderous FART

The Son of a Bitch

Blew the chimney apart

He swore and he cursed

As he rode out of sight

Piss on you all

AND HAVE A HELL OF A NIGHT!"

"What the hell Damon Christmas cards suppose to lift spirits not make you have a heart attack! And I am not a queer!" "Well you go buy your own and I give this out from me, I'll put no claim of you to this card." "Fine I will!" Stefan said running out the house to get a card worthy of Christmas.

Caroline and Elena had just put their matching Santa dresses on when Elena's phone buzzed. "Who is it?" Caroline asked. "A text from Stefan saying not to take Damon's Christmas card when he starts to pass them out at the party." "You know that means we have to take it now." Caroline said with mischief in her eyes. "I guess so."

They left for the Grill right after that text. "Come on lets find Damon!" "Stefan said not to." "Elena Stefan can't tell you what to do anymore you're a vampire for God's sake." Caroline was about to find Damon, but he found her instead. "Your Christmas card the Damon version, and the same to you Elena. Damon said going to Matt.

"I thought he hated the Christmas card thing." Elena said. "I think he found a way to like it." Caroline said with huge eyes. "Oh my God!" Elena shouted as she read it. Damon sat in the corner watching everyone read his dirty Christmas card. "I told you told you not to take that!" Stefan said snatching both Caroline and Elena's out of their hands.

Damon left after giving Matt his card, he knew he would be the talk of the party due to his card, and didn't want to deal with all the what were you thinking or why would you do that! Elena noticed Damon had left so she drove to the boardinghouse to find him drinking a glass of bourbon while smirking. "Is there a reason you gave out a dirty Christmas card this year?" Elena asked. "Stefan theft it up to me to buy a Christmas card so I went to the store, I saw many cards, but none I liked, so I came home and wrote how I felt about this holiday.

"A big rubber dick for my brother the queer?" Elena questioned.

"Perfect line right?" "No., because I dated him Damon he is not a queer." "Well next year I'll think of a way to put the word vibrator and Elena in there." Elena glared at him and said "fuck you!" "I might put that in there too. Maybe something like this,

While fucking Damon

Elena wished him

a Merry Christmas

by sucking his cock."

"Ok I get it! Just leave my name out of your dirty cards!" Elena shouted.


End file.
